Let me set it up for you. I have a favourite uncle, on my Dad's side of the family. My Dad has 9 siblings, all of whom have had an impact, big or small, on my childhood, and my life. And let me be clear, in case any of them ever read this, I love them all! But my Dad's eldest sibling, my Uncle Peter, stands out in my mind. He is a story teller, like my Dad, and like me. He always tells me to write more, write more. And whenever we see him, he shares stories from his life, amazing, captivating stories. After all, he is about to be 90 years old.
So, there will be a party in Salmon Arm, BC, where he lives, to celebrate his 90 years of wonderful life. Technically, I was never invited. The way things usually work in our family is that someone decides they are going, and then they tell a few others, and then before you know it, it's a party. With the addition of facebook, this process happens much faster. My Dad is going, and I told him I would like to go, too. It turns out, the party is on the one weekend in April when not only can Paul not go, but he can't even take care of the kids while I go. So, I decided to take my kids, and my Dad, in my van, to Salmon Arm for the weekend.
Here is where my dilemma is created. This morning I found out children are not allowed at the party. There is not enough room in the venue. I was, at once, sad, angry and understanding. After all, it's not my party, and I was never really invited in the first place. But we are a large family who rarely have the opportunity to gather, and why should some members be excluded from a gathering because they have kids. But mostly, I so very much want my uncle to know how important he is to me, and that I care about him, and that I am grateful to have him in my life. How can I do that if I am not allowed to be there?
Well, my dilemma is not really a dilemma at all. I don't know anyone who is not related to me in Salmon Arm who could babysit. I can't leave them at home, because Paul will be insanely busy with a production that weekend. I can't go. End of story.
My question to all of you is what do you do, and how do you feel if you are invited to something, but told your children are not welcome?
I will tell you one thing. When I organize MY Dad's 70th Birthday party next year, everyone, including children, trained pets and imaginary friends, will be welcome.
7 comments:
Oh no! That is all very unfortunate. I think it's unfortunate for your uncle and the rest of your family that the decision to have a 'no kids' party means excluding you all together.
I have to admit, though, that I've been on the other side of that situation. One of my cousins, who had three 'step children' though a common law marriage asked if she could bring them to our wedding. I wanted so desperately to say no, because that was 3 extra plates and table spaces for 3 extra people I had never met. I didn't say no, and thankfully she decided not to bring them, and I know this is totally a different situation, so I guess what I'm saying is that it's the party organiser's choice, and in this case, I think it's a crumby choice.
Well, based on your picture, you no doubt feel very strongly about this and I'll be that if your uncle knew how you were feeling, he would be saddened by the whole thing. Especially all the work that I'm sure has gone into planning this trip.
I don't really have a problem with the "no kids" rule if it is stated up front and everyone understands and respects it. I'm not really a fan of the wishy-washy, "Well, we'd prefer it if...." because you know some people are going to bring their kids anyway and then you start to feel resentful that you had to leave you kids at home.
I think in this case, maybe you could write a letter telling your uncle how much he means to you, and have someone read it out at his party? And I would add in, "I wish I could be there, but....."
It doesn't seem like very good planning to mark such a milestone and not make it open for the whole family.
Why someone didn't take children into account when picking the venue is a bit surprising (doesn't your Uncle Peter want a chance to see all the little relatives too, he is 90 afterall--did anyone ask the guest of honor what his preference was?)
Sounds like very lousy luck, and bad planning. Might be worth speaking up, but knowing it won't change anything makes you wonder if it's worth saying anything.
I can understand exclusion at weddings (there is a year of planning the babysitting afterall), but if it's a family birthday? Would it really have been so difficult to pick a larger venue so everyone could go? Also, by the sounds of it--if the whole family (less children) decided to go, would some people be told they couldn't because of the size of venue? That certainly wouldn't be nice, and that's basically what's happening to you.
I'd be upset.
It's a birthday party, not a wedding. Perhaps if the "organizer" had used Facebook (or even an old fashion phone!) to find out how many people were interested in attending, then a more suitable venue woulda been chosen.
Is it a formal party? Is someone paying to feed everyone?? If the kids are going to be an extra expense to someone, I can be a bit more sympathetic to the 'no kids rule'. But my guess is that it's not formal -- otherwise there would have been invitations...that perhaps said 'no kids', eliminating the confusion!
My final thought -- perhaps those organizing this party should have asked the Uncle his preference! No one would contest the guest of honour's decision, even if it was his wish for 'no kids'. It is his party, after all!
can you go to Salmon Arm, but not the party? i might drive up with the kids, and just do something else with the kids during the party...but then have breakfast with him the next day or something.
Not personally...but if it were me.
ahhh! That is really too bad, I would feel the same way. My only suggestion is since your Uncle encourages you to write so much, then you could write him a letter explaining how you feel about him, how much you have enjoyed his stories over the years, and that you tried very hard to be present at his party. Hope it all turns out for you with good feelings in the end!
This is a tough situation, for sure. I had similar situations when The Kid was young and it's so very frustrating and, as understanding as we are, it still feels like some kind of rejection. However, can you call on the other side of the family? Perhaps the kids can spend the weekend with various 'other siders' and you can market it to your kids as their special time with that person/coule/family? Just a thought...
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